How to cheat in Boardgames

now, now, now.
this post is not for serial killers or psychopaths or sociopaths to commit murder.

it's for serial killers or psychopaths or sociopaths to commit the perfect crime - cheating in boardgames.

our beloved monopoly

in Wikipedia (hahaha im paraphrasing! too much college for me), it says that the perfect crime is characterized as a crime that is "undetected, unattributed to a perpetrator, or else unsolved as a kind of technical achievement on the part of the perpetrator".
in other words it means that you cheat and get away with it lah. or even better, let someone else get the blame for chaos that you create. MUAHAHAHA!

now among me and my siblings, (sistah Charis Ngui included), we absolutely LOVE playing boardgames. every weekend when we gather together, out comes Monopoly and there comes the part where we start yelling at each other AT THE TOP OF OUR VOICES.

 "LET HIM PAY!! NOT MEEEE!!!!! HIM!!!"

"IT'S YOUR TURN ALREADY LAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

and most often by my younger brother, 
"I DUNWAN TO PLAY OLEDIIIII!!!!! I NO MONEY LAAAA!!!"

which will get the response from us girls'
"WE DON'T CARE!!! YOU PLAAAAAAAYYY!!!!" 
"OR ELSE NEXT TIME WE WON'T EVERRR PLAY WITH YOU OLEDIIII!!"

and the game commences. so on and so forth, hahah!
Thank God we have no neighbours.

well, i digress. I'm here to teach you how to cheat.





the first rule amongst all rules: make sure you have an innocent, "oh no who's cheating? i'm not likely to ever cheat" face.

if you don't have it, put on your "i saw HIM cheating face!"

well, in boardgames there are usually certain situations that are perfect for cheating.

1. when you're the banker.

i have lost count of the times i pretend to conveniently "forget" to pay for properties i buy, or take the money paid by other players intended for the bank for myself.

2. when one of the players take a toilet/food break.

This is your precious moment! before doing anything else, make sure you have eye contact with other players (in my situation, my sister) and with unanimous agreement, take M$5000 EACH. this only works if everyone is in the agreement or else the deal will be compromised.

this time is also perfect for checking out how much the player who left has in his money pile.
(unless of course, he is like my brother now whose paranoia has reached a certain degree where he makes sure he clutches all his money and leave. i mean, are we wolves or what?! *indignant)

3. when the game is still in it's early stages.

Players are still not accustomed to properties they bought so make sure YOU are aware of it. when you land on someone's property, quickly thrust the dice to the next player and say, "ROLL LAH WHY YOU SO SLOW WAN!!" 
this way, the next player will throw the dice and byebye lah blur player who cannot collect rent dah.

however, if you miss all these chances, there are, of course, other ways of cheating:

1. move an extra step or less when the dice points you to land somewhere, let's say, that is "not in your best interests".

Your best interests would be somewhere for instance, two steps forward to let you purchase the property to complete your set, or one step backwards as so to not land in jail.
my brother has long since perfected the habit of counting where our pawn lands even before we move the piece itself.

2. be best friends or on good terms with the banker.

or be the banker yourself, as mentioned in "perfect situations to cheat".

3. be creative.

when you land on someone's property and there's no way of escaping that, talk about something else like, "owh a unicorn!" so that their attention will be briefly away from the boardgame while you put the dice in the next players hand and he/she will just throw the dice unconsciously. danger averted.

4. grab opportunities.

Various opportunities will come and go as the game commences so it will be up to you how you utilize those golden chances. if all goes well, you will be the winner.

how do we know whether these pointers work?
well, i win all the time!

cheers.